Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Where's a Warrior Without Her Pride?

When I was a teenager, I wrote a lot. I started a lot of stories and finished very few of them. Some of them were awful. Just bad.
Some of them, however, I think had promise. I had big ideas for a series of novels that would all interlink at various points in time, space, and character and be part prose, part graphic novel. 
For some reason, I was reminded of this one the other day - one that was meant to start such a series that would have one story now, and then pick up the themes and maybe some characters or places much later.This is the start of a story that I started when I was 17 and I added to it periodically until I was about 19 and discovered going out and girls, and then university. I got as far in as writing about 50 A4 pages before I added no more, so as it stands, the story is incomplete but I thought I'd share the intro, the first 2 pages of it, here. 
This is about 12 years old, so please be gentle with it. I haven't altered so much as a punctuation mark from when this was last saved to my old laptop in 2002.What do you reckon? Should I pick this up again?
This is the beginning of, "Where's a Warrior Without Her Pride".

    There she stood, stripped to the waist, waiting. Silence pressed down, heavy as a wet pelt rug spread over the scene. The quick, tight pat of the drums had long faded and the chants had reached their high fevered climax moments ago giving way to the soft voice of the wind.
Crushing terror beat about her like an enormous winged thing, threatening to capture her, but she instead caught it and leashed it and brought it under her control until its only freedom was in the sweat that broke out over the girl’s tanned exposed skin.
The chattering of the crowd at her back dulled to a murmur as the shaman and Gaideon, the leader of the warriormages, stepped to behind her. Area tightened her grip on the stakes. A drop of blood appeared below her palm and hung for a moment before dropping into the dust. Swallowing despite her dry mouth and ever-present threat of vomit, she closed her eyes tightly, shutting out her town which rose before her. She concentrated on sensing nothing; not the sun searing her bare back, not the low murmurs of the watchers she could not see, not the agony that was now almost upon her. For long moments, silence reigned.
Making formal declarations in the Old Tongue that Area would have understood if she’d been concentrating on them, the two highly respected men took their positions, beside each other, directly behind the girl. Area heard the curt scuff of their footsteps coming to a stop on the dirt. The time had come. Her breathing became quick and shallow and the sweat ran down her body in glistening rivulets. She adjusted her weight on her feet a little and braced herself.
Still murmuring in the Old Tongue, both men linked hands then extended their free arms towards Area. There was a static hum, then suddenly, flashes of blue-white, buzzing energy issued forth from their hands like Lightning, as he impels his awesome chariot through the clouds. The blasts lashed into the girl’s shoulder blades, charring her skin. She stiffened her back as an instant response, arching in throes as the twin blasts streamed into her, burning her back, but she did not release her grip. The energy was not just burning her. Aside from the consuming agony, she could feel the crude energy coursing into her and through her, probing her. Testing her. She could feel it racing through her veins into every part of her and it made her shiver and sweat and it made her feel ill. The smell of her flesh burning drifted to her nostrils. Fixed at their source and fixed at their target, the intense bolts whipped and snapped, playfully interacting with each other, twining lustfully round each other in one instant and repelling each other with the violence of a lightning strike in the next. The assembled audience of townspeople could hear the buzz and crack but they could barely see anything; so blindingly bright was the light from the fitful energy streams.
As she grunted in pain, all thoughts paled into obscurity, then were seared from the girl’s mind; all except the purifying agent of those blasts of pain. Blue-white pain-flash was all she could see, all she could hear, all she could taste; sour and bitter on her tongue. Still she held her arms out and gripped the stakes. Now, she could not even think about her arms. She had overcome the initial urge to snap them down protectively but then any thought of moving them had been blown away and she could only tighten her grip ever more. Radiant pain grew ever more in her mind until its intense brilliance threatened to blind her consciousness and shatter her mind. She could feel every part of her part of her body resonating a scream of torment that grew louder like the wail of so many trapped spirits suffering in turmoil and it joined with the throbbing pulse in her ears, and it climaxed and it felt to the girl as if she were about to rip and release the horrible pain from her body and the blasts stopped.
Every person in the crowd remained squinting, transfixed. It was now to them as if they had come into a dark room after staring at the sun. Every single person could, however, feel the charge now in the air.
Silence.
Her jaw was clenched tight, the muscles bulging beneath her cheeks. Some moments later, Area’s raw and aching hands released the stakes. She barely winced as muscles rubbed beneath dual symbols newly burnt into her back.
Area stands motionless between the stakes for a long while, hanging like a ball thrown up at the peak of its ascent, in the instant just before it falls. She opens her eyes wide, takes a deep gasp of air, and slumps, but immediately catches herself on her knee and with weary determination, she stands.
The shaman and Gaideon come to her side. They do not help to support her. The shaman drapes a dark robe about her shoulders. Slowly, Area turns to face the audience. She is smiling.

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Monday, 8 December 2014

Possibly my favourite ever joke. Sorry!

A man is walking down the road when he sees a man on the other side, dressed in a nice suit, who has a tangerine for a head. Now the man is curious so he crosses over and stops the man. 
"Excuse me," he says. "I don't mean to be rude but I couldn't help but notice you have a tangerine for a head."
"Yes I do," the citrus-bonced man replies. 
"I was just wondering how you got it?"
"Well, I was clearing out my attic," the fruit-faced man begins, "when I found an old lamp. I wasn't expecting anything y'know, but I had to give it a rub and lo and behold, a genie came out and offered me three wishes!"
"Wow!" the man exclaims! "So what did you wish for?"
"For my first wish, I wished for £100,000,000 and suddenly, my attic was filled with money! Crammed into every nook and cranny. I've been living very well since! I'm still finding bank notes all over my house!"
The man is taken aback! "This is incredible!"
"For my second wish, I wished for my every sexual wish to be fulfilled! Immediately there was a knock at the door. It was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and she said she'd seen me around and was chancing it and wondered if I wanted some no-holds barred sex. That was a great day, I tell you! she has absolutely no inhibitions! But even better than that, we fell in love and recently got married and are still having the most mind-blowing sex!"
The man is staggered. "That's awesome!" But the question looms large. "So... erm... what did you ask for for your third wish?"
"Well," the lucky genie-finder replies, "for my third wish, I wished that I had a tangerine for a head."

-Curt-

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Thursday, 4 December 2014

Existential Crisis in Ikea

I had a revelation walking round Ikea the past weekend. And it wasn't that the storage solution in my own home is inefficient.

I've often thought I'm not the best consumer. I'd even go as far as to say I've prided myself on this. 
I also am quite good in that, if I go to the shops for a £10 item I need, I don't also come away with £20 worth of stuff I don't need. I try to be rational about my purchases and I try not to be too material in my desires. Of course I like having stuff, but I try not to let my stuff define me.
I also try to buy stuff based on merit rather than association and I'd be curious to know how much of my decision making is more influenced by subtle advertising cues than I realise. I am aware that I speak as a consumer in a first world consumer culture. 
For example, I have an iPhone 5. I believe I bought an iPhone initially because my old phone was falling apart so I wanted a new phone (which is not a necessity, I know, but definitely not an extravagant want for the society I live in). I knew a lot of people with iPhones and knew from talking to them that it would fulfil the requirements I had of it well. I believe I didn't get an iPhone because they were the new shiny must-have toy. I got the iPhone 5 because my iPhone 3 literally fell apart after years of service - not because I wanted the (then) newest shiniest phone.

Now a visit to Ikea really weirded me out the other day in a way that I think I'm often weirded out by big shops, but not usually on this scale.

The shop is immense, as I'm sure you're already aware, and laid out in part as little perfect rooms furnished beautifully entirely in Ikea products. It's clearly aspirational marketing done well. The aim is simply that you see these rooms, you aspire to have a room just like it and set to acquiring all the individual components in that collection to achieve this. Along the way, you pick up things that previously you have never needed/wanted/realised such a thing even existed but having seen them in this setting you need them to complete your room so it looks as cute and cosy as the in-store one.

I think I'm normally quite resilient to this sort of thing and quite pragmatic about buying only things I want or need (inasmuch as I "need" anything) and ignoring extraneous fluff.

However, as I went round Ikea I got to thinking about why I'm so bullish about this. I began wondering if it's less to do with a strong mind and having decided on my own individuality, and more to do with not being able to imagine ever not being broke.
It occurred to me that aspirational marketing only works if you can conceive of achieving the lifestyle being sold. I consider any month where I haven't accrued bank charges for going over my overdraft limit a success so the thought of being able to afford a lovely new storage solution for a couple of hundred pounds is ludicrous. Let alone all the rest of the stuff that goes with it. So instead I pooh-pooh it. It's a defence. And once I opened the gate in the defence and peered through it, I became horribly downcast in the middle of Ikea and couldn't have sat on the floor and cried..
Don't get me wrong - I don't have desire to be rich, just comfortable enough that booking a hotel room for a friend's wedding doesn't leave me terrified about how I'm going to get through the rest of the month.

It's the same reason why, although travel and far-away places excite me, I never read travel magazines or reviews. They just make me deeply unhappy that I can't conceive of going to these places.

It was this printed canvas that did it:
PJÄTTERYD Picture IKEA Motif created by Gustav Klimt. The picture has extra depth and life, because it's printed on high quality canvas.
because it was the first time I couldn't pooh pooh it quite so easily because I genuinely like the picture. Klimt is one of my favourite artists. I genuinely wanted this. I tried to tell myself I didn't just like all the other stuff and I didn't really want it. Besides, I can't afford it anyway. Then thought that I don't have a house to hang it in anyway. Nor do I see how I ever will do. So then what was the point of wanting any of this stuff because where would I put it? I became sad, not because I couldn't afford the things in Ikea, but because I didn't have the option of affording the things in Ikea.
Thus began something of a cascade of disappointment: I became upset I couldn't afford these things in Ikea, upset I couldn't afford a house, upset that I am 31 and not better off, upset that I worked every day at a so-so job that helps accrue more finances for a global corporation that gives me just enough money to ensure I can afford to come in and do the same tomorrow, upset that I'm bright and have so much potential (teacher's words - not mine) and I feel I'm squandering it in the years when I should be building up something awesome, upset that I haven't really left much of a mark on the world.

This is why I can't have nice things. Going to look at them triggers an existential crisis for me.

First World problems, eh?

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Monday, 1 December 2014

Things I learnt today while researching the Cadbury Caramel Bunny and other mascots

At work today, I've been looking at popular mascots to put together some slides for our marketing presentation after the Cadbury's Caramel Bunny was ranked 4th in a poll of mascots.

Here are some of the things I found out:

1.) Wikifur exists...
Yes. It's a wiki encyclopedia for "furries".
Here's the Caramel Bunny's entry (chortle!): http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Cadbury_Caramel_Bunny

2.) This thread starter was happy to admit to the world that he masturbated over the cartoon rabbit, but finding out (mistakenly) that she was voiced by Grotbags was a step too far.

He's a "wicked child" because...

3.) The lady who actually voiced the Cadbury Caramel Bunny is Miriam Margoyles who also played Lady Whiteadder in Blackadder, Professor Sprout in the Harry Potter films, voiced most of the women in the English dub of Monkey, and Aunt Sponge in James and the Giant Peach!

4.) Alexandr Orlov, the Compare the Market Meercat, is voiced by Simon Greenall who plays Michael in Alan Partridge.

5.) The PG Tips Monkey, originally created for ITV Digital, became the subject of a legal battle between ITV and Mother, the ad agency that created him. It was settled when both parties agreed to donate the rights to Comic Relief.
PG Tips now use Monkey, but any profits from Monkey merchandise go to Comic Relief who still own the rights.

6.) Grotbags!
No facts.
Just remember how awesome she was!

 




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Monday, 24 November 2014

A Coggington Christmas Card: Work in Progress - Part 3.


Written on 2/9/14 but not posted until after I announced my Christmas card for sale.

This post continues documenting my designing of my Coggingtons Christmas Card (click the link to buy from my Etsy store), and follows on  from A Coggington Christmas Card: Work in Progress - Part 2.

This is how I left this pic before the weekend. Since then, I have finished it!

After writing the last blog post, I decided that his cuff fur trim was way too narrow so I widened that up and decided I wanted to texture it a bit more. I was at the house of Jicsi's Jewellery and her littl'un has some teddy bears, so I spent 5 minutes photographing bear bums to use as a fur texture. When I got home, I whipped out an old belt for his belt texture too.

The whole pic was well on the way then. A bit of light and shade in the eyes and bits of shading in other things here and there, and adding Geoffrey's other fingers to the tree left me ready to add the frame and lettering.

My stamping is not really up to scratch so I stamped out the message, but knew I'd need to tidy it up in Photoshop. Then it occurred to me that while I'm at it, I might as well do the whole alphabet so that next time I need some lettering, I can just nick it from the master sheet.
I learnt I can't keep my stamping in a straight line.
I borrowed a frame from Jicsi to photograph, and then put it in the illustration and resized and reshaped it. It is a round frame, which I liked because it was reminiscent of a snowflake, but I was aware that to fit the writing into it the frame would need to be widened so that was an unfortunate sacrifice. To simply make it bigger whilst contraining the proportions would have led to the frame dominating the image which I didn't want.

Then I dropped a photograph of some textured paper I took ages ago over the top with an off-white layer set to 'colour' over the top to take the glare off it. Then I masked it to the right shape and size and used the burn tool around the edges for a bit of shade, then dropped my newly neatened up stamping over the top. I had to make the lettering quite narrow to fit it in which isn't ideal.  I had to play around with masks and his top hat for a bit to get them right but it worked.

That left me here. I'd spent a bit deciding whether I wanted his coat a nice bright red, or a little darker. I'd gone with darker at this point but I still wasn't convinced.

I had some pictures of some cog-esque paper snowflakes I'd made years ago so I did experiment with having them as fairly prominent hazy overlays but decided they were better behind the frame, and as small ornaments in the tree

All of my previous Coggington cards have always been done using just flat colours (apart from the glowing eyes) and textures and for this reason, I'd been reluctant to to add more subtle light and shade from the tree lights. This had been a conscious decision and I liked the way my Valentine's Coggington card could look a bit like it had been done with woodblock prints. Although I'd lost a bit of that with my more recent cards, I'd still always just used flat colours for them.
 However, I just couldn't be happy with the shade of his coat so I decided to very simply lighten Geoffrey on the side nearest the tree (50% opacity white layer set to 'overlay'), and darken him on the other side (35% opacity near-black layer set to 'vivid light'). It looked a lot better than I'd thought it would so then I applied an orange-to-transparent gradient to Geoffrey from right to left. I liked these effects so much, I made the light and dark layers more opaque (the dark one is set to 100% 'vivid light') and applied another similar gradient to him.

He looks warm, don'tcha think?

Right at the end, I remembered I wanted goggles on his top hat. I was excited that I could justify these goggles rather than just having them there because steampunk. (Yeah - I know he's a robot who doesn't need eye-protection when flying a steam-powered sleigh! Shh!)
Off I went to the living room to photograph my goggles whilst trying to stop the kitten from savaging them. I transformed the strap to the right place and applied a 'cutout' effect to them, then put a yellow low-opacity colour layer over the top to help blend them and shaded them and tweaked the levels a little.

I'm very happy with the results you see here.

The finished card!

Cheers for reading this far!

-Curt-

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Monday, 17 November 2014

A Coggington Christmas Card: Work in Progress - Part 2.

Written on 17/9/14 but not posted until after I announced my Christmas card for sale.


This post continues documenting my designing of my Coggingtons Christmas Card (click the link to buy form my Etsy shop), and follows on from A Coggington Christmas Card: Work in Progress - Part 1.
I now have a little more work done on this.

My main point of focus today was getting the Christmas tree to look like a tree. I want the lights on it to pop but also for the rest of the tree, which is mainly black in my photo, to not just blend into the background and become a black smoosh of nothingness.

Erasing the bit of curtains etc that was in the background of this picture of the tree was first.
Then I applied a couple of hue/saturation modification layers to the tree and adjusted the levels to highlight the lights, bump up the saturation, and alter the hue slightly.
Then I created a mask of the tree, and put a layer of gold over the top, set to colour blending mode to make it warm and suggest the yellows of the background.
Then I created a custom brush from a photo of a fir tree branch, colour selected the dark areas, and used the brush at low opacity and with varying shades of green to bring some of the shadows to a nice Christmas tree-esque green.

I lens blurred the background a bit and took the brightness down.

I've started shading Geoffrey's coat and applied the same rusted metal texture I usually use on Coggingtons to him.

Lastly, I've applied the old photograph border I created for my Coggingtons card to this, and darkened selected bits of the background.

I've decided I need to photograph a pair of my goggles for his hat (legitimate reason though: He's been flying a sleigh! I'm not just sticking goggles in because steampunk!) and I think I will forgo the Christmas hat, but may make his top hat festively red!
I want to bring elements of the background out a bit more, such as the stockings.
When Geoffrey's a little more fully coloured, I will need to start blending him into the background a little more.

That's been enough for today though. My housemate is back and has wine!

-Curt-

Part 3 is here!

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Thursday, 13 November 2014

Sainsbury's Christmas ad just seems crass!


Or click here to view it on YouTube for a higher quality version.


Hi! We're Sainsburys. War can be horrible and scary and brutal as human lives are manipulated and torn apart by the political powers-that-be in the name of justice and liberty. People die violently and families and communities are devastated. But sometimes, people can retain their humanity in the midst of all this and show kindness and compassion beyond the horror they're experiencing. That's the power of the human spirit, no matter the country we're from or the language we speak. It's what makes us human. And it's beautiful.

Now, buy a turkey. Just £9.99 in aisle 5 with double Nectar points available until December 15th. Packs of mince pies - buy one get one free! Sherry - 30% off! Free footballing trench soldier plushie for every spend over £50!
Live Well for Less.


Don't get me wrong - I think this advert is beautiful. It's made beautifully and evokes real emotion. The production values are good for a movie and staggering for a commercial!

It is scarily though-provoking and more effective than more than one war film I've seen with larger budgets and hours of screen time to utilise.

I've read letters from the trenches before now that detail this event. It really happened that the British and German soldiers met between the trenches on The Western Front, exchanged gifts, and had a kickabout at Christmastime. (Not in all areas, mind. It wasn't universal. It just happened in some instances but has been inflated in the retelling to a magical outpouring of ubiquitous human solidarity.)
That this happened at all is both beautiful and devastating. That realisation that a few hours ago, they were trying to take each others' lives, that the person you're playing a game with now is potentially the very same person that put a bullet through your best mate's skull a few hours ago; That in a few more hours, you will be back to horrifically maiming each other and taking each others lives again despite having nothing against each other apart from the fact that a different political power put a gun in your hand, pointed you in opposite directions and said march that way or die must be crushing and so so confusing. It's powerful to see that realisation re-enacted on film, but to have lived it - I can't imagine how much that would mess with your mind.

I'll think about the advert. Maybe I'll come to think that actually this is appropriate, especially given the partnership with The Royal British Legion. Maybe I'll see it less as an advert, and more Sainsbury's simply pinning their colours to the wall. Maybe I'll come to realise that all ads are used to generate an emotional response in the viewer to prime them to spend and that if we draw the line with this ad, we'll have to start declaring other emotive experience No-Man's-Land for marketers.

This may be a knee-jerk initial reaction, but right now it just feels a bit grubby that Sainsbury's are using it, highlighting the gifting element of it, and using the memory of the millions of fallen soldiers to sell more Brussels sprouts and 6 packs of Carling, shore up their bottom line, and widen their profit margins.

At the end of this advert, Jim is back in the trench overwhelmed with the experience that just happened, knowing that tomorrow there's an extremely high chance that both he and Otto and all the men around them will be slaughtered. They won't be sitting round the telly tipsily watching the new Dr. Who in the new "Tu Clothing Collection - only at Sainsbury's" Christmas jumper their nan gave them for Christmas, with all the presents opened from underneath their Sainsbury's bought Christmas tree.

The short film Sainsbury's have made is beautiful. It makes it dangerously easy to forget that war itself isn't at all.

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