Possibly my favourite ever joke. Sorry!

A man is walking down the road when he sees a man on the other side, dressed in a nice suit, who has a tangerine for a head. Now the man is curious so he crosses over and stops the man. 

"Excuse me," he says. "I don't mean to be rude but I couldn't help but notice you have a tangerine for a head."

"Yes I do," the citrus-bonced man replies. 

"I was just wondering how you got it?"

"Well, I was clearing out my attic," the fruit-faced man begins, "when I found an old lamp. I wasn't expecting anything y'know, but I had to give it a rub and lo and behold, a genie came out and offered me three wishes!"

"Wow!" the man exclaims! "So what did you wish for?"

"For my first wish, I wished for £100,000,000 and suddenly, my attic was filled with money! Crammed into every nook and cranny. I've been living very well since! I'm still finding bank notes all over my house!"

The man is taken aback! "This is incredible!"

"For my second wish, I wished for my every sexual wish to be fulfilled! Immediately there was a knock at the door. It was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and she said she'd seen me around and was chancing it and wondered if I wanted some no-holds barred sex. That was a great day, I tell you! she has absolutely no inhibitions! But even better than that, we fell in love and recently got married and are still having the most mind-blowing sex!"

The man is staggered. "That's awesome!" But the question looms large. "So... erm... what did you ask for for your third wish?"

"Well," the lucky genie-finder replies, "for my third wish, I wished that I had a tangerine for a head."

-Curt-

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Existential Crisis in Ikea

I had a revelation walking round Ikea the past weekend. And it wasn't that the storage solution in my own home is inefficient.

I've often thought I'm not the best consumer. I'd even go as far as to say I've prided myself on this. 

I also am quite good in that, if I go to the shops for a £10 item I need, I don't also come away with £20 worth of stuff I don't need. I try to be rational about my purchases and I try not to be too material in my desires. Of course I like having stuff, but I try not to let my stuff define me.

I also try to buy stuff based on merit rather than association and I'd be curious to know how much of my decision making is more influenced by subtle advertising cues than I realise. I am aware that I speak as a consumer in a first world consumer culture. 

For example, I have an iPhone 5. I believe I bought an iPhone initially because my old phone was falling apart so I wanted a new phone (which is not a necessity, I know, but definitely not an extravagant want for the society I live in). I knew a lot of people with iPhones and knew from talking to them that it would fulfil the requirements I had of it well. I believe I didn't get an iPhone because they were the new shiny must-have toy. I got the iPhone 5 because my iPhone 3 literally fell apart after years of service - not because I wanted the (then) newest shiniest phone.

Now a visit to Ikea really weirded me out the other day in a way that I think I'm often weirded out by big shops, but not usually on this scale.

The shop is immense, as I'm sure you're already aware, and laid out in part as little perfect rooms furnished beautifully entirely in Ikea products. It's clearly aspirational marketing done well. The aim is simply that you see these rooms, you aspire to have a room just like it and set to acquiring all the individual components in that collection to achieve this. Along the way, you pick up things that previously you have never needed/wanted/realised such a thing even existed but having seen them in this setting you need them to complete your room so it looks as cute and cosy as the in-store one.

I think I'm normally quite resilient to this sort of thing and quite pragmatic about buying only things I want or need (inasmuch as I "need" anything) and ignoring extraneous fluff.

However, as I went round Ikea I got to thinking about why I'm so bullish about this. I began wondering if it's less to do with a strong mind and having decided on my own individuality, and more to do with not being able to imagine ever not being broke.

It occurred to me that aspirational marketing only works if you can conceive of achieving the lifestyle being sold. I consider any month where I haven't accrued bank charges for going over my overdraft limit a success so the thought of being able to afford a lovely new storage solution for a couple of hundred pounds is ludicrous. Let alone all the rest of the stuff that goes with it. So instead I pooh-pooh it. It's a defence. And once I opened the gate in the defence and peered through it, I became horribly downcast in the middle of Ikea and couldn't have sat on the floor and cried..
Don't get me wrong - I don't have desire to be rich, just comfortable enough that booking a hotel room for a friend's wedding doesn't leave me terrified about how I'm going to get through the rest of the month.

It's the same reason why, although travel and far-away places excite me, I never read travel magazines or reviews. They just make me deeply unhappy that I can't conceive of going to these places.

It was this printed canvas that did it:

because it was the first time I couldn't pooh pooh it quite so easily because I genuinely like the picture. Klimt is one of my favourite artists. I genuinely wanted this. I tried to tell myself I didn't just like all the other stuff and I didn't really want it. Besides, I can't afford it anyway. Then thought that I don't have a house to hang it in anyway. Nor do I see how I ever will do. So then what was the point of wanting any of this stuff because where would I put it? I became sad, not because I couldn't afford the things in Ikea, but because I didn't have the option of affording the things in Ikea.
Thus began something of a cascade of disappointment: I became upset I couldn't afford these things in Ikea, upset I couldn't afford a house, upset that I am 31 and not better off, upset that I worked every day at a so-so job that helps accrue more finances for a global corporation that gives me just enough money to ensure I can afford to come in and do the same tomorrow, upset that I'm bright and have so much potential (teacher's words - not mine) and I feel I'm squandering it in the years when I should be building up something awesome, upset that I haven't really left much of a mark on the world.

This is why I can't have nice things. Going to look at them triggers an existential crisis for me.

First World problems, eh?

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Things I learnt today while researching the Cadbury Caramel Bunny and other mascots

At work today, I've been looking at popular mascots to put together some slides for our marketing presentation after the Cadbury's Caramel Bunny was ranked 4th in a poll of mascots.

Here are some of the things I found out:

1.) Wikifur exists...

Yes. It's a wiki encyclopedia for "furries".

Here's the Caramel Bunny's entry (chortle!): http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Cadbury_Caramel_Bunny

2.) This thread starter was happy to admit to the world that he masturbated over the cartoon rabbit, but finding out (mistakenly) that she was voiced by Grotbags was a step too far.

He's a "wicked child" because...

3.) The lady who actually voiced the Cadbury Caramel Bunny is Miriam Margoyles who also played Lady Whiteadder in Blackadder, Professor Sprout in the Harry Potter films, voiced most of the women in the English dub of Monkey, and Aunt Sponge in James and the Giant Peach!

4.) Alexandr Orlov, the Compare the Market Meercat, is voiced by Simon Greenall who plays Michael in Alan Partridge.

5.) The PG Tips Monkey, originally created for ITV Digital, became the subject of a legal battle between ITV and Mother, the ad agency that created him. It was settled when both parties agreed to donate the rights to Comic Relief.
PG Tips now use Monkey, but any profits from Monkey merchandise go to Comic Relief who still own the rights.

6.) Grotbags!

No facts.

Just remember how awesome she was!

 




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A Coggington Christmas Card: Work in Progress - Part 3.

Written on 2/9/14 but not posted until after I announced my Christmas card for sale.

This post continues documenting my designing of my Coggingtons Christmas Card (click the link to buy from my Etsy store), and follows on  from A Coggington Christmas Card: Work in Progress - Part 2.

This is how I left this pic before the weekend. Since then, I have finished it!

After writing the last blog post, I decided that his cuff fur trim was way too narrow so I widened that up and decided I wanted to texture it a bit more. I was at the house of Jicsi's Jewellery and her littl'un has some teddy bears, so I spent 5 minutes photographing bear bums to use as a fur texture. When I got home, I whipped out an old belt for his belt texture too.

The whole pic was well on the way then. A bit of light and shade in the eyes and bits of shading in other things here and there, and adding Geoffrey's other fingers to the tree left me ready to add the frame and lettering.

My stamping is not really up to scratch so I stamped out the message, but knew I'd need to tidy it up in Photoshop. Then it occurred to me that while I'm at it, I might as well do the whole alphabet so that next time I need some lettering, I can just nick it from the master sheet.

I learnt I can't keep my stamping in a straight line.

I borrowed a frame from Jicsi to photograph, and then put it in the illustration and resized and reshaped it. It is a round frame, which I liked because it was reminiscent of a snowflake, but I was aware that to fit the writing into it the frame would need to be widened so that was an unfortunate sacrifice. To simply make it bigger whilst contraining the proportions would have led to the frame dominating the image which I didn't want.

Then I dropped a photograph of some textured paper I took ages ago over the top with an off-white layer set to 'colour' over the top to take the glare off it. Then I masked it to the right shape and size and used the burn tool around the edges for a bit of shade, then dropped my newly neatened up stamping over the top. I had to make the lettering quite narrow to fit it in which isn't ideal.  I had to play around with masks and his top hat for a bit to get them right but it worked.

That left me here. I'd spent a bit deciding whether I wanted his coat a nice bright red, or a little darker. I'd gone with darker at this point but I still wasn't convinced.

I had some pictures of some cog-esque paper snowflakes I'd made years ago so I did experiment with having them as fairly prominent hazy overlays but decided they were better behind the frame, and as small ornaments in the tree

All of my previous Coggington cards have always been done using just flat colours (apart from the glowing eyes) and textures and for this reason, I'd been reluctant to to add more subtle light and shade from the tree lights. This had been a conscious decision and I liked the way my Valentine's Coggington card could look a bit like it had been done with woodblock prints. Although I'd lost a bit of that with my more recent cards, I'd still always just used flat colours for them.
 However, I just couldn't be happy with the shade of his coat so I decided to very simply lighten Geoffrey on the side nearest the tree (50% opacity white layer set to 'overlay'), and darken him on the other side (35% opacity near-black layer set to 'vivid light'). It looked a lot better than I'd thought it would so then I applied an orange-to-transparent gradient to Geoffrey from right to left. I liked these effects so much, I made the light and dark layers more opaque (the dark one is set to 100% 'vivid light') and applied another similar gradient to him.

He looks warm, don'tcha think?

Right at the end, I remembered I wanted goggles on his top hat. I was excited that I could justify these goggles rather than just having them there because steampunk. (Yeah - I know he's a robot who doesn't need eye-protection when flying a steam-powered sleigh! Shh!)
Off I went to the living room to photograph my goggles whilst trying to stop the kitten from savaging them. I transformed the strap to the right place and applied a 'cutout' effect to them, then put a yellow low-opacity colour layer over the top to help blend them and shaded them and tweaked the levels a little.

I'm very happy with the results you see here.

The card is available to buy from this link: https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/204426247/steampunk-christmas-card-with-the 

The finished card!

Cheers for reading this far!

-Curt-

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A Coggington Christmas Card: Work in Progress - Part 2.

Written on 17/9/14 but not posted until after I announced my Christmas card for sale.

This post continues documenting my designing of my Coggingtons Christmas Card (click the link to buy form my Etsy shop), and follows on from A Coggington Christmas Card: Work in Progress - Part 1.

I now have a little more work done on this.

My main point of focus today was getting the Christmas tree to look like a tree. I want the lights on it to pop but also for the rest of the tree, which is mainly black in my photo, to not just blend into the background and become a black smoosh of nothingness.

Erasing the bit of curtains etc that was in the background of this picture of the tree was first.

Then I applied a couple of hue/saturation modification layers to the tree and adjusted the levels to highlight the lights, bump up the saturation, and alter the hue slightly.

Then I created a mask of the tree, and put a layer of gold over the top, set to colour blending mode to make it warm and suggest the yellows of the background.

Then I created a custom brush from a photo of a fir tree branch, colour selected the dark areas, and used the brush at low opacity and with varying shades of green to bring some of the shadows to a nice Christmas tree-esque green.

I lens blurred the background a bit and took the brightness down.

I've started shading Geoffrey's coat and applied the same rusted metal texture I usually use on Coggingtons to him.

Lastly, I've applied the old photograph border I created for my Coggingtons card to this, and darkened selected bits of the background.

I've decided I need to photograph a pair of my goggles for his hat (legitimate reason though: He's been flying a sleigh! I'm not just sticking goggles in because steampunk!) and I think I will forgo the Christmas hat, but may make his top hat festively red!

I want to bring elements of the background out a bit more, such as the stockings.

When Geoffrey's a little more fully coloured, I will need to start blending him into the background a little more.

That's been enough for today though. My housemate is back and has wine!

-Curt-

Part 3 is here!

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Sainsbury's Christmas ad just seems crass!

Or click here to view it on YouTube for a higher quality version.

Hi! We're Sainsburys. War can be horrible and scary and brutal as human lives are manipulated and torn apart by the political powers-that-be in the name of justice and liberty. People die violently and families and communities are devastated. But sometimes, people can retain their humanity in the midst of all this and show kindness and compassion beyond the horror they're experiencing. That's the power of the human spirit, no matter the country we're from or the language we speak. It's what makes us human. And it's beautiful.

Now, buy a turkey. Just £9.99 in aisle 5 with double Nectar points available until December 15th. Packs of mince pies - buy one get one free! Sherry - 30% off! Free footballing trench soldier plushie for every spend over £50!
Live Well for Less.

Don't get me wrong - I think this advert is beautiful. It's made beautifully and evokes real emotion. The production values are good for a movie and staggering for a commercial!

It is scarily though-provoking and more effective than more than one war film I've seen with larger budgets and hours of screen time to utilise.

I've read letters from the trenches before now that detail this event. It really happened that the British and German soldiers met between the trenches on The Western Front, exchanged gifts, and had a kickabout at Christmastime. (Not in all areas, mind. It wasn't universal. It just happened in some instances but has been inflated in the retelling to a magical outpouring of ubiquitous human solidarity.)
That this happened at all is both beautiful and devastating. That realisation that a few hours ago, they were trying to take each others' lives, that the person you're playing a game with now is potentially the very same person that put a bullet through your best mate's skull a few hours ago; That in a few more hours, you will be back to horrifically maiming each other and taking each others lives again despite having nothing against each other apart from the fact that a different political power put a gun in your hand, pointed you in opposite directions and said march that way or die must be crushing and so so confusing. It's powerful to see that realisation re-enacted on film, but to have lived it - I can't imagine how much that would mess with your mind.

I'll think about the advert. Maybe I'll come to think that actually this is appropriate, especially given the partnership with The Royal British Legion. Maybe I'll see it less as an advert, and more Sainsbury's simply pinning their colours to the wall. Maybe I'll come to realise that all ads are used to generate an emotional response in the viewer to prime them to spend and that if we draw the line with this ad, we'll have to start declaring other emotive experience No-Man's-Land for marketers.

This may be a knee-jerk initial reaction, but right now it just feels a bit grubby that Sainsbury's are using it, highlighting the gifting element of it, and using the memory of the millions of fallen soldiers to sell more Brussels sprouts and 6 packs of Carling, shore up their bottom line, and widen their profit margins.

At the end of this advert, Jim is back in the trench overwhelmed with the experience that just happened, knowing that tomorrow there's an extremely high chance that both he and Otto and all the men around them will be slaughtered. They won't be sitting round the telly tipsily watching the new Dr. Who in the new "Tu Clothing Collection - only at Sainsbury's" Christmas jumper their nan gave them for Christmas, with all the presents opened from underneath their Sainsbury's bought Christmas tree.

The short film Sainsbury's have made is beautiful. It makes it dangerously easy to forget that war itself isn't at all.

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A Coggington Christmas Card: Work in Progress - Part 1.

Written on 14/9/14 but not posted until after I announced my Christmas card for sale.

I have started my Steampunk Coggingtons Christmas card tonight. I won't post this blog post until after I have published the card. (Edit: The finished card is now available here)
I don't know if anyone's interested to know how or why I made the decisions I did about this card, but here comes the reasoning.
Concentrate.

I've had a few ideas about the basic idea. On the one hand, I would like to show Geoffrey Coggington as a Santa-type figure. I have ideas about epic steam powered sleighs and I've got a couple of photos of outdoors in Brum from Christmas from years back to use as backdrops for this.
But also, I want to show Geoffrey as a dad figure with his family. But I have yet to cement the idea of who his family is in my own head, let alone anyone else's. I also have some photos of my own living room from last Christmas that I would quite like to get in there with that concept.

I've decided to kind of combine the Geoffrey as Santa idea with the home idea. I hope to produce different Christmas cards that explore all of these ideas at some point - maybe for this Chritsmas, maybe next.

Here's the design as it stands:

It's my living room in the background with the tones tweaked in it to make it warmer than the photo suggested. There's also a separate picture of the Christmas tree which shows it a little better and I have brought that out of the background and enlarged it to the foreground. It's still got a fair bit of its own background surrounding it.
Obviously, I drew Geoffrey in there.
I didn't know what sort of coat I wanted for him. A traditional done up Santa coat like so was my first thought:

This , though,covers up so much of his chest that only his head really shows, and I don't want him to just look like a Santa with an orange head. For the same reason, I don't want him to wear trousers. I need enough of him showing that people unfamiliar with previous Coggington cards understand what he is. However, with a short coat and no trousers and with his waist/hip area exposed, he could just look indecent. (That said, it worked for Donald Duck. I still don't get why he covers his nether regions whenever he loses his top, though. They're ALWAYS exposed!).

So then I thought about a coat more like this one: 

The problem here though, was that with the pose I'd given him, an open long coat like this just draped awkwardly and looked little like a Santa coat.

Having caught a bit of Star Trek: Generations on telly when I'd gotten in earlier today, this popped into my head as I pondered this problem:

After a bit of Googling for historical military jackets, which fitted in with my idea of G. Coggington as the captain and pilot of his sleigh, I found this which justified that style of jacket with my idea in my eyes:

After toying with the idea of him in a top hat, versus him in a Santa hat, versus him in a top hat with a Santa hat on top, I've decided, for now, to forgo the Santa hat and hope the whole scenario conveys his Santa-ness.

That decided, I've laid down the flat colours on Geoff. 

That's enough for tonight.

Bed beckons and work is peering at me from under the cover of tomorrow morning.

Part 2 is here!

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